I Lovingly Reject Your Apology
It started with my clients.
So often they would tell me some variation of :
“I’m sorry I’m repeating myself.”
“I’m sorry I need to cancel- my kid is sick.”
“I’m sorry but can we meet again this week?”
“I’m sorry I’m two minutes late.”
“I’m sorry for crying.”
And every time I heard “sorry” I wanted to lovingly shake my sweet clients, because I sure as hell wasn’t sorry and I was sad that they were. I was sad that they were apologizing for some part of their experience that was likely out of their control and/or something that in no way warranted an apology. I was sad that their apology signaled they were prioritizing someone else’s view of their experience over their experience itself. I was sad that the generic response to “I’m sorry” of “It's OK” felt like I was enabling them to continue this pattern. Or, worse, that I was green lighting it. That I was saying, “Yes, you should be sorry and I accept your apology.”
I wanted no part of it.
I wanted my clients to be able to own their experience and their needs, without shame or fear of external expectation. But how? The responses of “Stop apologizing” or “There’s no need to apologize” didn’t feel right. They also feel as normalized as saying “sorry” as a filler word is. I wanted a response that was different. Something that signaled that not only is an apology not needed, it is something that I don’t condone.
So “I lovingly reject your apology” was born. It was my way to saying “abso-fucking-lutely not” to this normalized acceptance of how we use “sorry” all the time. It was my way of challenging the use of the word and the meaning behind it. Are you really sorry for asking for what you need? And if so, why? How often do you say that you’re sorry? Are you apologizing for something that is out of your control entirely? How often does that happen?
Not to generalize (but I will), I see this a lot more with women than men. And I feel confident in saying that, as a woman myself. In my professional experience (as well as lived experience) I have observed how women are quick to assume responsibility for things, situations, and people that are, quite simply, not theirs.
I wonder if we were to scan the emails of any given organization, how many emails with “I’m sorry…” in them would be from men vs women. I could go on a whole tangent about gender roles, expectations, and how we are socialized, but I’ll spare you.
I’ve started saying “I lovingly reject your apology” so often to my clients that I’ve joked that I’m going to put it on a shirt.
And so I finally did (on a hat, at least).
The best response to this hat was from my best friend who said, “You say that to me all the time!” This phrase, which started with my clients has seeped into my daily vernacular. This is my hope with this hat and with this phrase– Is that it serves as a reminder for you, and anyone who reads it, to be mindful of how you use your language. And that, lovingly, you don’t need to apologize for being human and having needs.
*To be clear, there is a time and place for “sorry”. It is vital to take responsibility for our words and choices; however, the use of the word that I’m describing, is not that.
Like most people, I saw the Barbie movie. And, like most people, America Ferrera’s monologue made me feel so incredibly seen and put a point on the emotional whiplash of womanhood. This wonderful monologue really embodies the overuse of “sorry”. If “we have to always be extraordinary, but somehow we’re always doing it wrong”, we’re left with a disparity that feels like it's somehow our fault and we should be sorry.
Apologizing for not meeting the ever-demanding, ever-contradictory expectations of a society and world that continues to undervalue women-- especially women of color and trans women.
And, lovingly, fuck that.
I’ve made my Barbie Pink hats a permanent part of my store, because, yes, they’re super cute, but also, like the Barbie movie, I hope they remind us of the inherent value of all women.
To every woman apologizing in some way for not being someone else’s idea of “perfect”, I lovingly reject your apology.
How often do we say “sorry” unnecessarily? How often do we use it as a filler word? How often do we apologize for our needs or for simply being human? Let’s bring awareness to our language and only use “sorry” when we are claiming responsibility for our words and actions in a meaningful way.
“I’m sorry for crying.”
“I’m sorry for needing a break.”
“I’m sorry for being 2 minutes late.”
“I’m sorry I need to cancel- my kid is sick.”
I lovingly reject your apology.
